This is a post that is not easy for me to write about. However, I have found through the years that something in writing frees me. It allows me to get things out in the air and off of my chest. While I'm writing I am honest with myself and I get a chance to get my honest feelings said.
I have had three miscarriages. One when I was 18 with a boy I dated for about three years. Two with my husband. Miscarriages are horrible and heartbreaking. I have never had a child, so I don't know the joy that might bring. I have just been taunted with the excitement of the possibility of children three times.
To all of you out there who have had a miscarriage I want to say I know how you feel. I can say that because I do.
I am writing I guess to tell others who have not experienced a miscarriage of what not to say to a women who has suffered this kind of loss. I am giving you this information because it should be said. Maybe it will help you or someone you know dealing with this.
DON'T SAY:
1. " I know how you feel."
If you really don't know how she feels. You might think you know especially if you have children of your own, but I really don't think you can, especially if you have children of your own.
Imagine if you never had those children and the biggest question on your mind is if you will ever be able to have them. Please don't say you know how we feel, because all we want is to know how you feel. To feel like you do in the morning when you wake up to your baby crying for you. We want to feel that way. We don't want you to feel the way we do.
2. "Everything will be alright."
First of all nothing is alright. What's alright is getting prego and having babies. Whats not right is getting prego and losing babies. Don't say its alright, its all wrong. While I understand what people are getting at, yeah life will go on but the life that was in me wont and that's not alright with me or any women who has had a miscarriage.
3. "It was for the best."
Man this is the worst one. how could it be for the best? Please never ever say that. She can say that, but don't you say that, she might hit you.
4. " It happens all the time, or its normal."
No, its not normal. Whats normal is having babies. Its not normal to have a miscarriage. Nothing at all seems "normal" about it. It doesn't happen all the time either. A lot of times it creates a baby, not a heartache. This is not a event that should be expected or like "ho hum" this happens all the time.
5. "Its nature's way."
If it is nature's way then nature's way sucks and that doesn't make us feel any better.
Now here are some things that you can say that made me feel a little better.
1. Give an example.
If you know someone who has had this problem but went on to have kids. This can give her hope. She wants the facts now. She doesn't just want sympathy she wants to hear that maybe she can overcome that others have.
2. Just say "I'm sorry"
She knows there isn't anything that great to say. This shows her that you care and that you are sad for her.
3. Tell her " Its okay to cry and its normal to be upset"
Let her know you know she is upset. Let her let it out. Even if you have not had a miscarriage yourself you can still be there for her without acting like you know what its like. My sister who has never had a miscarriage and has two children said this to me and I balled. Then I felt a lot better and I hated her less for being able to have children. ha ha kidding ;)
There really is not one right or wrong thing to say. Just be careful with your words because she is listening very carefully to you. She wants your love and care right now. Be careful not to belittle her situation its a big deal even if she acts like she is blowing it off you shouldn't.
I am feeling better already!
Please if you have any feelings to this post do share! Someday I will hopefully make a post of how I had a baby after multiple miscarriages !
