Finding strength in my convictions...

I really don't even know how to jump into this subject as it is completely overwhelming for me. I have so many daa-gone convictions its difficult to live up to them all. I end up overwhelmed and reaching none of my personal goals because it just seems too difficult.

Its like when you spend a certain amount of time exercising on a regular basis and then for some reason you stop. Why stop? Life I suppose gets us all off track now and then. We end up looking back on the time of regular exercise and asking ourselves why we stopped. We looked good we felt good. I just don't know the answer but I know I am way off track right now, way off.

So then about these convictions. What are they? Well...

1. I want to have good mornings.

By good mornings I mean when I get up and have to go to work that day I would like for it to go smoothly. Know what I'm going to wear. Know what Aiden is going to wear. Have his diaper bag and lunch done the night before. Have my pump ready to go ( sorry guys). Have time for breakfast, have time to feed Aiden breakfast. To enjoy (gasp) the morning would be wonderful! I hate feeling rushed it ruins my well, morning haha.

It gets deeper. To have good mornings then I must have good nights and my 10 month old son is not a very good sleeper (sorry baby). So... to have a good morning I have to get sleep at night which means Aiden has to get sleep at night and that is truly overwhelming.

Aiden has never, NEVER slept a full night in is crib. I have never, NEVER really tried. I know my baby and I know that it is going to be a painful, terrible struggle getting him in the crib. I just hate to confuse him. The truth is that I like the idea of co-sleeping and so does my husband. Its just that he wants to nurse all night, about every two hours. I have trouble getting back to sleep and I am so so tired.

I have to throw in that I'm 5 months pregnant with baby number two! Yay and fear! I know that I will want the newborn by my side and I just don't know how I'm going to deal with three people in the room after my breast! Ha Ha.

So I have to get Aiden in his crib because I just don't think I can physically or mentally handle sharing my room with two nursing babes and I just feel horrible and cruel as if I'm taking time away from Aiden that he deserves from his momma.

So to have a good morning first I have to get Aiden to have a good night, then I have to have a good night, have to quit hitting snooze, have to be ready the night before... oh and my husband works out of town and isn't home through the week so he cannot help.

There is one conviction that is so overwhelming I don't know if I can list anymore today. I think that if I keep blogging on a regular basis it will help me to keep myself in check and my goals as well.

I love to journal. Nothing helps me know myself better. So I guess that is a conviction, lets see if I can live up to it and my next post Ill mention one of the 100 other things that I would like to be doing and or doing better.

Tonight I will try very hard to get Aiden to sleep in his crib. That is my first step to my good mornings. Wish me luck!

Aiden Edward, my one day!

Aiden Edward, my son. The son that I thought would never come!

I have loved my whole life, I'm a lover!

But this is the love of loves.

The love of a mother is well, just that- The love of a mother.

A child puts things in perspective.

How big this world is and how small the great things are.

I have a new heart that lives outside of my chest.

He is my joy!

He is my fear!

I am forever grateful to my God.

I have not forgotten the 6 miscarriages. As a matter of fact at times I get more upset than I used to.

Now I know how I would have loved those babies. I do love those babies. I know that their souls were created for great things!

I know that Aiden has 6 brothers or sisters to protect him everyday!

Aiden is my new teacher.

He has taught me to enjoy the simple things in life.

A few days ago he held a stick for the first time. Usually everything goes straight to his mouth, but not the stick. The stick was so new and different that he held it with both hands, shaking with excitement. My 7 month old son can see the beauty in what is simple and good.

I am so proud.

I am so blessed.

One Day

This is a post that is not easy for me to write about. However, I have found through the years that something in writing frees me. It allows me to get things out in the air and off of my chest. While I'm writing I am honest with myself and I get a chance to get my honest feelings said.

I have had three miscarriages. One when I was 18 with a boy I dated for about three years. Two with my husband. Miscarriages are horrible and heartbreaking. I have never had a child, so I don't know the joy that might bring. I have just been taunted with the excitement of the possibility of children three times.

To all of you out there who have had a miscarriage I want to say I know how you feel. I can say that because I do.

I am writing I guess to tell others who have not experienced a miscarriage of what not to say to a women who has suffered this kind of loss. I am giving you this information because it should be said. Maybe it will help you or someone you know dealing with this.

DON'T SAY:

1. " I know how you feel."

If you really don't know how she feels. You might think you know especially if you have children of your own, but I really don't think you can, especially if you have children of your own.

Imagine if you never had those children and the biggest question on your mind is if you will ever be able to have them. Please don't say you know how we feel, because all we want is to know how you feel. To feel like you do in the morning when you wake up to your baby crying for you. We want to feel that way. We don't want you to feel the way we do.

2. "Everything will be alright."

First of all nothing is alright. What's alright is getting prego and having babies. Whats not right is getting prego and losing babies. Don't say its alright, its all wrong. While I understand what people are getting at, yeah life will go on but the life that was in me wont and that's not alright with me or any women who has had a miscarriage.

3. "It was for the best."

Man this is the worst one. how could it be for the best? Please never ever say that. She can say that, but don't you say that, she might hit you.

4. " It happens all the time, or its normal."

No, its not normal. Whats normal is having babies. Its not normal to have a miscarriage. Nothing at all seems "normal" about it. It doesn't happen all the time either. A lot of times it creates a baby, not a heartache. This is not a event that should be expected or like "ho hum" this happens all the time.

5. "Its nature's way."

If it is nature's way then nature's way sucks and that doesn't make us feel any better.

Now here are some things that you can say that made me feel a little better.

1. Give an example.

If you know someone who has had this problem but went on to have kids. This can give her hope. She wants the facts now. She doesn't just want sympathy she wants to hear that maybe she can overcome that others have.

2. Just say "I'm sorry"

She knows there isn't anything that great to say. This shows her that you care and that you are sad for her.

3. Tell her " Its okay to cry and its normal to be upset"

Let her know you know she is upset. Let her let it out. Even if you have not had a miscarriage yourself you can still be there for her without acting like you know what its like. My sister who has never had a miscarriage and has two children said this to me and I balled. Then I felt a lot better and I hated her less for being able to have children. ha ha kidding ;)

There really is not one right or wrong thing to say. Just be careful with your words because she is listening very carefully to you. She wants your love and care right now. Be careful not to belittle her situation its a big deal even if she acts like she is blowing it off you shouldn't.

I am feeling better already!

Please if you have any feelings to this post do share! Someday I will hopefully make a post of how I had a baby after multiple miscarriages !

Me and You

Me and You. That was our wedding song. We had so much fun that night! I guess I haven't really taken the time to think about that day until now. July 28Th 2006 is our wedding date. We just celebrated our first anniversary this past weekend.

We celebrated by painting our bathroom. Sounds like lots of fun, right? Well, we actually did have fun. I guess that's why we got married. Our lives are fun together.

How can painting a bathroom be fun you ask. Ill tell you. We were blaring a mix of Hank Williams Jr, AC DC, and I tried to listen to some old No Doubt but that wasn't very fun for Scott so we put in some other old school tunes and played... I mean painted ALL DAY!

I'm going to tell the story of Scott and I, mostly for him and myself but maybe it will help to take my readers back to a time when they first fell in love. I think it is important to remember those times and cherish them. I never want to forget the reasons I fell in love with Scott or how special he is to me.

In the small town in Ohio where I grew up there are two Catholic Elementary Schools. St. Nicholas and St. Thomas Aquinas. The year is 1989 and Scott and Lindsay are off to Kindergarten. Scott goes to St. Nick and Lindsay goes to St. Tom.

The first time the two meet would not be until their 2ND grade year. The two schools celebrate the sacrament of Holy Communion together. Lindsay can vaguely remember the little Scott from back then, however looking back today it seems the two were always on the same path.

In the years to come there would be more celebrations that the schools held together. Reconciliation, Confirmation, and Graduation into High School. In all of these celebrations Lindsay and Scott were polite and friendly to each other, nothing more and nothing less.

Scott went onto Bishop Rosecrans for his freshmen year. Lindsay decided to go to West High, a public school that her parents had chosen. She was quick to make new friends and the school was a good fit for her.

The first few months of high school passed by and Scott was less than satisfied with the High School he had chosen, not that it was a bad school but he had a few friends that attended a public school. Scott had heard of the Agriculture programs being offered in public schools. Naturally this was interesting to Scott due to his love for the outdoors. So he made the choice to attend West, the same school that Lindsay was attending.

At lunchtime Scott and Lindsay often sat at the same table. Laughing and gossiping with friends the way that high school students do, not paying too much attention to the other. In classes Lindsay would look for a seat and see Scott sitting in the back with an empty desk by him. She knew that Scott would if anything be entertaining to sit beside, being the comedian that he is.

Years past by and Scott and Lindsay remained friends all through High School. Finally their Senior year came around and it was Homecoming season. One day in class Scott asked Lindsay who she was going to take to the Homecoming. Lindsay told him nobody had asked her yet. Scott told Lindsay that Jarrod wanted to ask her but he was scared she would say no. Lindsay told Scott that she would like to go with Jarrod.

They dated their entire senior year. They became very close friends however as High School came to an end and jobs and college began they realized that what they had together was a friendship and not a relationship. So Jarrod and Lindsay stayed friends and went their separate ways.

The years passed and Scott found a pretty girl that he liked. They went to parties and had a lot of good times together but it was never enough to just be together. They always had to be at a party or out. These types of relationships just don't seem to last.

Meanwhile Lindsay had a boyfriend that went college to play football in Tennessee. As hard as it was for her to admit this type of relationship was more of a fairytale than real life and it just couldn't last.

Scott and Lindsay had to face the facts. The people that they had chosen to love had chosen to love other things like game days and big parties. Neither of which were very important to Lindsay or Scott. So with heavy hearts and many tears cried they moved on.

Another year passed by and there were different guys in and out of Lindsay's life but she was afraid to open up. A broken heart is hard to mend. Scott tried to find another girlfriend as well but he was busy trying to work a full time job and didn't have time for parties and good time friends.

Lindsay started to think that maybe she would never find someone. That maybe her heart was too broken and she would never be able to truly give it to somebody again. As much as she wanted to love there comes a time when you have been hurt so much that you don't want to run the risk of feeling that kind of pain again. At least if she was alone nobody could hurt her.

Scott still went out with his buddies, at least he could go out and have a good time on the weekends. It isn't easy when all your friends are going out all the time and have girlfriends, but he got by.

One evening Lindsay's little sister Caitlin called her. She told Lindsay that her boyfriend was having a big party and she should come. Lindsay wasn't sure but she didn't have much else to do so it sure beat sitting alone again.

Lindsay pulled into the drive way, it was packed with cars and people standing around. For a second she thought about going back home. She was nervous. Who would be there? Did she look okay? What if they all stare at her? She took a deep breath and headed for the door.

When she got inside she thought "great". The whole living room was full of couples. What was she supposed to do, sit and watch them? Even her sister was there with her boyfriend. Just as she started to tell Caitlin she was just going to go home she saw a free seat on the couch next to Scott. He didn't have a girl with him so Lindsay thought to herself well if nothing else at least it would be entertaining to sit by Scott, being the comedian that he is.

So they sat beside each other and laughed all night long. Scott kept trying to hold her hand, but Lindsay thought he was just joking around. That's just how Scott is. Always flirting and joking, but at least she was finally having a good time. She glanced around the room and everybody was gone. My goodness it was nearly 2:00 am. They both had to go to work the next morning so they decided to call it a night.

The next day at work she kept thinking of how much fun Scott was the night before. Who would have thought he was that fun? And why hadn't she noticed that before? She tried to get him out of her head because she didn't know if she wanted to take it any further. Besides she had known Scott her whole life and obviously there was nothing between them, right?

A few days passed and Lindsay's little sister called her and said that her boyfriend was having people over again. Lindsay felt her heart beat like a drum in her chest, cheeks turning red hot, would he be there? Then she thought wait a second its just Scott so what if he is there, we'll have fun again. It wasn't like she had a crush on him, right? So she went.

Lindsay pulled into the driveway but there really weren't many people there. She went inside and everybody was leaving. So just as she got ready to leave Caitlin said hey why don't we just stay here and play cards or watch a movie? Lindsay said yeah just what I want to do sit around like the third wheel all night. Then Caitlin said well Scott is staying too.

That changed things. It changed a lot of things. What was this a date? A date with Scott? No way, it couldn't be. Could it? Lindsay started to get nervous again but before she could she was having fun. Then she was holding Scott's hand. Then she was planning when they could get together again.

One year later she was planning their Wedding. It seems that they were just meant to be. I believe that God kept putting us in the same place in the same times but we had other plans. Plans that didn't work because they were our plans and not Gods. Turns out he knows what hes doing.

The moral of the story is you can't plan love.

Also my heart goes out to young people out there who have had their heart broken. Its very real and the fact that you're young doesn't make it any less real. If you have been in pain because of a relationship keep you head up.

You never know who you are meant to be with and you never know when they might show up. Scott was there my whole life but I never saw him the way I see him now. So open your eyes and take a look around, try not to look past the guy/gal that has been there all along! try not to look past your friends, God gave them to you for a reason!

So although this is my absolute favorite story I would love to hear yours..... come on its fun to write it! Also if you have a broken heart I would love to give you more encouragement, who knows maybe i know how you feel. Maybe you were meant to read this blog right now this very second so that we can be friends........ maybe, maybe, maybe!

Guilt Free

So I have been writing about all the many gifts God has blessed me with. I plan to periodically make post of thanks. Today I just want to write about what has been on my mind recently. I am trying to get right with God.

I love music but sometimes I prefer to hear conversation so I listen to VCY America on my radio. Its a Christian station. Yesterday they were talking about the feeling of guilt. A feeling that I have to admit I feel often.

This preacher said that there is no need to feel guilt. Guilt comes from Satan. He said what we must do is pinpoint what we are feeling guilty about. That gets tricky because it can go as far back to your childhood. When you do figure out what you feeling of guilt is stemming from all you have to do is talk to God about it.

Take me for example I feel guilt because I'm not going to Church on a regular basis. So all I need to do is say " God I'm sorry I have not been going to Church. Please forgive me." Then GO. The Bible says that God will not bring up the things you have done wrong after you have asked for forgiveness, Satan does that. The only time God might bring something up is to show you have much he has loved you, not to make you feel bad about yourself

I guess I have been waiting around on my husband to go with me. We have a way of letting worldly matters take the place of going to Church. Mowing, cleaning, painting and so on. Starting this Sunday I go no matter what. I don't know why it is so hard for me to go by myself but it is!

I am the ultimate people pleaser. I don't like it and I don't know why I am always looking for approval, but I am. So I ask that God help me to want to please him instead of people who I will never be able to please! That I can find confidence in him to not feel pressured by peers.

I have been reading aloud to my husband at night from the Message ( the Bible in today's lingo). We are almost through Luke. Last night I read that you can ask God for anything that you need. I really like the example that Luke gives.

If you child ask you for something to eat would you give him a snake? If you daughter ask you for something to eat would you give her a spider? Just as you would not do these things to your child God will not do these things to you. God who created you and your child loves you more than you can understand.

God wants to give us the things that we need because we are his children. I do not have children but I know that my parents would give me the world if they could. Imagine how much more God can give and wants to give. I'm not saying to ask for ridiculous things. What I'm saying is to be direct with God when asking for the things that you need and I think God will be direct with you.

Is there anything that you're feeling guilty about?

Is there anything you want to ask God for?

Best Sisters

Four more blessings in my life! Heather, Joe, Gwen, and Grant I love you guys!



For many years I have called Heather my "best sister". Now my other two sisters they are the best too, but Heather and I spent a few years being very close. Most likely because she was my idle and we just get along great. I think we have the same humor and having someone to laugh with is the best gift ever!



When Heather and Joe started dating life was great because I finally got a brother!I also gained another person to laugh with, I don't think that Joe and I ever really know what were laughing about but somehow when I'm with him everything becomes funny!



Heather and Joe have blessed me and this world with two precious babes! I cannot believe how much I love them! Heather and I talk about how sometimes you can love somebody so much it makes you cry and that's the truth!

The other day we had a birthday party for my mom and I was talking about all my worries and Heather said "why don't you just quit worrying"w/ no compassion for my obviously mediocre problem. She always knows how to put me in my place.

She doesn't care to sugar coat things she just tells it like it is. There have been times that this ticked me off but truly she is the one person I can go to and know that I will always receive honesty and I know that its because she loves me. There is much to be said about tough lovers and that's my Heather!

We have shared so many good times. Back when Heather first started driving we ruled our small town together and even though she was 4 years older than me she included me in her coolness, I always felt privileged! I always wanted to be just like her.

Which is the reason that I stole her clothes, make-up, jewelry, shoes, Cd's, and much more. Hopefully now that were older Heather can see that I wasn't trying to be a thief. I was trying to be as cool and gorgeous as she is.

I guess these days not much has changed. I still wear her clothes when shes done with them. I still think shes pretty hip for a mom. Most of all I think that she is a gorgeous person inside & out. I pray that one day I grow up to be just like her!

The Baby

This is my beautiful sister Caitlin Marie. Caitlin and I are like PB & J, always have been. I remember when she was born, I couldn't wait to take her home!

This baby will soon be having a baby girl. I know she will be the best Mama. Even though I'm the "big" sis Cait takes care of me too. I can talk to her about everything, often with no words she always understands me. Nobody here wants to play a game of pictionary with us because we can have a full conversation with one look!

We have always been a team, remember these plays?

* Its Cool whip time baby.
* Cell Phone video Dance
* O Mexico
* The finger slight bent feeling, almost but, hard to explain
* So much shells and cheese
* Front seat no recalls comments it
* RHS girl pictures, big noses, big smiles ( thank God we switched schools! LOL )
* Hey lay on my back on the couch
* The little man
* I don't want to see those whites
* Tickle game
* Senior Pics


That is just a few. I know that nobody understands anything I just wrote but I guess that's the point. Caitlin and I share what nobody could ever understand but us, and I love that, I love her!

One little story:

Cait and I shared a room for many many years. We had separate beds but Cait always ended up in mine by morning. Finally we got our own rooms when our big sisters moved out! Caitlin still ended up in my bed by morning. I would complain about it. Now I miss it more than anything! To tell you the truth it never bothered me! I'm thankful for these memories.

Catie Baby has helped make me the person that I am, and I am so proud of the woman she has become!

Thank you God for my sister! Another perfect creation, God is awesome!